As you read this, you may think it’s just the ranting of a madman. And to be honest, I’m not so sure it’s not just that. I wrote the three paragraphs that follow at the start of this year. Then I stopped writing, again. I went through some changes and made some decisions that will change everything that follows in my life. Maybe one day, when I have some more clarity, I’ll write about. Today isn’t that day. But today is the day that I start writing for others to see again. I was given one gift – the ability to reach people with words, and I’ve done a shit job in my life so far giving my gift away to people. I’m not going to say I want to help people anymore, because it’s cliche and disingenuous at this point. I’ll say that I want to make myself available to point to some truths, even ugly as they may be, through my words. That’s why I’m writing this and that that’s why I feel like I have to write, even if only a few people read it and of those few people only one person sees some truth in themselves reflected in these sentences. I’m not even sure if the title makes sense anymore but anyway, here it is –
I guess it isn’t hip anymore to say you make New Year Resolutions in January anymore. The entrepreneur icons have started to tell people to make plans for the new year in December because there’s no time to waste and the bloggers, vloggers, and instagram self-development marketers have all jumped on this new wave. But the reality is that most people talking about the best way to change behavior in themselves and in other people are doing only that – talking. And so are you…
It’s all changed hasn’t it? Or maybe it hasn’t. I’m not sure, I get confused. The bloggers and influencers say that making New Year’s Resolutions or writing goals for the year in January is uninspired and futile. A few years ago, it was still OK to do this. “Think of the new year as a blank slate they said.” Now you have the life advice squad telling the laymen to hurry up and write your goals in December, because there’s no time to lose and you need to start them BEFORE January or you’ll never get to work.
No I read that I’m supposed to focus on themes over goals. Themes influence behavior apparently while goals don’t. And apparently these can’t be set in January for some reason. Why can’t people set goals in January if they feel motivated to do so? Maybe for whatever reason they have more mental power in January. Why can’t they start with setting a goal that gives them hope and excite them? Maybe they’ll figure out their process and the themes to live their lives from because they are chasing after a goal first. I could be wrong. But many of the people talking about all this don’t have it figured out either. They would say that you must plan a certain way and align your thoughts a certain way but they’ve done none of this. They’ve just been talking about it. They’re just as pathetic and useless as the rest of us. But we still all do it don’t we? We pretend that this life isn’t messy as hell.
When I started writing for online strength magazines, I tried very hard to nail down a voice to use. I remember thinking that I’d take the new, young, angry all the time, loud, and inappropriate kid on the block. I was 22 at the time after all. It was a gimmick and while others have used gimmicks to make them money, this was a short-term play for me and probably more of a detriment to the growth of my career over anything else. I put an end to if fairly quick and promptly stopped writing anything that could be seen as opinion. For years after I stuck with reporting facts and principles and talking about positive vibes, or something like that. But recently I’ve started writing things that may be seen as a bit more argumentative. I’m no longer argumentative for its own sake though. I’m not trying to put forth a voice, I’m trying to let out my own voice. My own truth, as I presently understand it to be. It took me almost nine years of quieting the noise around me to hear, but hear a little something. So I’ll be the best force to be reckoned with I can be right now.
And maybe the best force I can be right now sucks. Some people will think I’ve gone off the rails and maybe they’re right. But I’ve spent too much of my life saying words that aren’t mine and diluting myself to be put in the favors of other people. Maybe I’m a mean, heartless son-of-a-bitch or maybe I’m confused. But I don’t fully know right now because I’ve never put in the effort to listen to what I have to actually say. Yes I know we choose who we are but we also are what we are and all of this needs to be examined.
There’s no practical takeaway I’m leading into. I’m a little worn thin with cheap advice. Me saying this right now won’t give you the insight or the vigor to listen to yourself. You have your own truth inside you already. I can tell you to listen to it but you won’t. You’d rather talk about the ways in which you’re growing and the ideas you have to develop yourself that aren’t your ideas. Keep talking about it if it makes you feel good, but I hope that one day you understand that it’s making you weak. Because it’s not from you and every time you say something that’s not from you, you make yourself weak. You need to go through your own extreme situations to give up and look inside, as much as it may scare you shitless. Hope you do, but if you don’t I understand that too.